Well, my official start date for my internship is tomorrow (May 1st), but I've been there everyday since I finished exams. Cheques came out on Monday so things have been quiet this past week. The streets were practically empty on Monday and Tuesday, and drop-in today was peaceful. Last Thursday was a different story. A good friend, GS. was really drunk and hurting, out in the park yelling about the abuse he experienced as a child, and trying to initiate fights people sidewalk passersby. There is a real battle going on inside of him, and as a friend commented, the outcome will either be miraculous or devastating. GS. is going to choose one path or the other, and I pray he chooses the narrow one. I had a chat over some fries with him on Tuesday, and he articulated his Jeckyl/Hyde predicament with immense clarity. He keeps fluctuating between being a wonderful beautiful man struggling with his faith and his past, and a wonderful beautiful man who is drunk and angry and wants to fight. Both sides of his personality are beautiful valuable people, but in my opinion, only one is his true self.

Among the few people that were out on the street on Tuesday was a woman on the corner of sherbourne and gerrard shivering wearing shorts and flip flops, crouched down and wrapped extensively in yellow caution tape. Her hair looked like it was glued to her head and face and she was crouched and mumbling. People with Psych issues are absolutely without a doubt the most difficult reality for me to face on the street. Doug leaned over and asked how she was and if she wanted some sock or water. She responded with an F- you and threw her cigarette in his face and spat on him. My heart hurts for her… honestly the only thing I think anyone can do for her is pray.

Drop-in Drama

So it feels like summer again! It is definitely very difficult to study when the weather is so nice. I have three more exams and then I am off for the summer. If there is one thing I regret from last summer it is that I didn't keep a very good journal, and there is so much I wish I had written about... so many things happened, so many lessons were learned. I intend on being much more diligent this summer with recording my thoughts and adventures.

I am back at Sanctuary this summer, and am itching to start. It seems that I haven't been able to escape having a rocky start to this year's summer. This past Thursday night a woman i love was very drunk and came into drop-in looking for me. When she found me she started yelling and threatening to beat me up telling me to stay away from her man. I am also good friends with her boyfriend, but she obviously suspected that there was more going on there. It was frightening having her up in my face with her fist in the air telling me she was going to f-ing kill me. Apparently she had been looking for me since before Tuesday, when she was asking where I was. I know that it was just the drugs and alcohol talking, but it kind of shook me up a bit. My heart hurts for her. Years of abuse and neglect have rendered her incapable of believing she is worth sticking around for. She gets absolutely possessive and jealous of anyone she is with, as if she refuses to believe anyone could just love her and want to be with her without her having to convince them to stay. Having to face the realities of abandonment issues comes hard on the streets, and unfortunately I have somehow ended up in the mix. The staff got her outside but about half an hour later she came back in looking for me. Some guys stood in front of me and I hid sheepishly on the ground behind the garbage can as she wailed about what I had done to her. The entire room went silent as she absolutely broke down. I can't help but feel guilty for what I haven't done... but she had it in her head that I was trying to steal her boyfriend from her and I can just imagine how betrayed that must have made her feel.

I had, until this point managed to entirely stay out of the mix when it comes to violence that goes on within the community. I have often been a witness to threats and violence, but never really thought that I would offend anyone to the point of being dragged in.... Greg took me aside later that night to see how I was and shared that he has received his fair share of threats. I guess it was inevitably going to happen at some point.

Once outside again the staff rotated throughout the night going out to bring her food and calm her down. At debrief they advised that for the next little while, until we resolve the issue that I shouldn't walk alone on the streets but rather call and get someone to walk with me to and from the subway to Sanctuary. I feel as thought I've lost my (perhaps) false sense of safety on the streets. A huge part of what I do downtown is walking around and hanging out in parks and stuff... just being with people. I hope that I can resolve things with this woman before the summer so that I don't have to worry about being out on the streets alone.

A beautiful thing happened the same night after drop-in. Another woman from the community, L, is turning 28 on Sunday so on Thursday nignt the staff decided to take her out for her birthday after drop-in. She decided she'd rather go buy cake from Rabba and sit and eat it in the park. It was wonderful. We set out some blankets and lit the cake on the park bench and sat around just hanging out and celebrating with L and her boyfriend. I am so glad that I could be a part of something so simple and yet so perfect. It was a wonderful witness to, amongst other things, how love, to be great, does not need to be extravagant. Sitting on the ground in the dimly lit park eating cake from Rabba, there was no where I would rather have been.

Later that night Simon and I helped some friends move who had been evicted. We drove to their place, loaded up the van and then brought it to a friends place they are staying at for now. I hope that the new place works out for them, they've been shifted around quite a bit lately and it's a stress that they don't need in their lives right now.

I need to study for exams!!! :)